some will find new friendships in unlikely faces

some will find new friendships in unlikely faces,
and old true friends as faithful and true
as the pillar of god's flame.

some will find new friendships in unlikely faces

done. maybe it's not as unlikely from my perspective, but from the perspective of an outsider, a 23 year-old, american, lutheran (who's not always all that polite) has found new friendships with roma kids, youth, and adults of multiple faiths as well as non-Roma youth and adults. not only that, but i've found friendships with people who find themselves in places where they are unable to find friendships with each other.

let's face it. life has been complicated here in eastern slovakia, but i wouldn't have it any other way. the friendships i have found here will be with me all my life, even if we don't manage to keep up communication. as we came back from our dorast tabor (middle age youth group camp), which was mixed roma and non-roma (enriching the experience for all of us involved), my eyes teared up multiple times, thinking about this coming saturday and the sad fact that i'll be leaving this place and these people for a very undetermined amount of time.

my friendships have come with such clear memories as well as many feelings of warmth.

• my rodina, of course. the numerous nights sitting and talking in english about so many things that matter, and just being with monika
• gabika's presence as a little sister, who i love
• walking back from the kupelisko with tomáš
• random, unexpected insights in the numerous bible studies with ľubo
• andrea and our time sitting on the back swing talking in whispers
• igor and lydia playing games, reading and doing priklady with the kids
• maroš's hard work and huge progress in math
• lydka's smile, our afternoon hiding in the corner, and then our afternoon remembering it and talking together, making bracelets
• bobrik odvahu (courage) planning and executing - everything from exchanging random looks with maťo to painting faces, listening to matuš and marian scaring the kids, hanging myself for the kids, and getting dumped on, putting an early end to the fun.
• my fellow central european yagms, lisa, sepp, matt, kristy, and emilie (and jeff) planning and executing our very own seminar
• the innumerable nights of great hospitality at trazy's
• movie nights with katka
• conversations with havri
• scrabble and loopin' louie with milka, mišo, and havri
• detský tabor with saša
• moments with milka
• fraňa and martin - their great love, unimaginable generosity, and their passion for work with roma
• skupinka
• rodinky
• d-rom, romsky dorast
  
• mládež

and that's just to name a few. the mix of people i have here warms my heart and fills my eyes with tears.

and old true friends as faithful and true

• stef has stood by me through it all. she has listened to me cry, refilled my supply of "guilt-free tears," listened to my joys, read through various things i wrote before i sent them, been my sounding board, helped me work through stuff.
• alma and i have kept our cerp going (though, admittedly, it is less frequent than it once was) through all of our separate adventuring
• erin and i have quite consistently exchanged letters throughout the year.
• mak is ever consistent with her letters (in a way that i can only ever hope to be).

though life has come and gone for people back home, people have stood by me, made a point of letting me know they care. people have graduated, died, been born, and life goes on here as well. those who stick with it are those for whom i am more grateful than i can express.

as the pillar of god's flame.

as we all know, i love fire. this poem always goes back to the exodus. the pillar of god's flame that lit the way. just as the isrealites only knew just a bit of what was ahead, only seeing a bit of what's to come, the flame or the cloud were always there. so it has been this year. i have vaguely known the plans for the year and what would come next, but it was never fully clear. each time, things would come to light, just in time. i would get the information i needed in time to get whatever it was done or to get ready to go.

so, this year, i have come to trust god in a way i haven't before. i have come to trust god not only with the big things (life, eternity, heaven, my call to be a pastor), but also with the littler things, the more immediate things. i have gone to god in prayer for healing, for peace, for discernment. i have found the value in prayers and prayer lists. trusting god with money, food, logistics, trusting god with all my life, not just the stuff i couldn't control if i tried. god's pillar of flame has proved stronger and truer than i could ever really explain.

some will find new friendships in unlikely faces,
and old true friends as faithful and true
as the pillar of god's flame.

some of you will not change at all

some of you will not change at all.
some will be abandoned by your dearest loves
and misunderstood by those who have known you since birth
who feel abandoned by you.

some of you will not change at all.

in many ways i read this sentence and think, "there's no way this is true," and yet in other ways i find a lot of truth in the statement. there are tangible ways that i have changed and can tell that i am different, but there are also many ways that i am clearly the same (besides my burping, my laugh, my love of chacos, and my love of hugs). i am still planning to attend seminary in chicago in the fall. i still feel god calling me to be a pastor. i still care deeply about relationships that i have. i still don't handle conflict very well and i still want to know the real answer (or at least an explanations for the answer) to the question "how are you?" in many ways i am unrecognizable, yet in so many important ways, i have not changed or passions, feelings, calls have just strengthened.

some will be abandoned by your dearest loves

this past week i received an email from one of my close friends from college. in the email she mentioned that she just caught up on my blog and apologized for not keeping in touch. though my contact with many people has dropped significantly, and though i may occassionally feel abandoned, it is a wonder and a gift when these people drop back into my life. the email i received brightened my day. it helped me to look forward to being back and being able to catch up with people. so, yes. i have felt abandoned, but many of those people have come back into my life and i have kept in contact with enough people close to me, that my wall is not a blank, white wall, but also has cards, letters, and pictures from people i care about on it.

and misunderstood by those who have known you since birth
who feel abandoned by you.

there have been many a misunderstanding since being here, most often with family. a lot of the time the confusion involves me speaking slovak and them not understanding it (can't imagine why that would be ;-) ), but even in direct communication, i communicate differently than i used to. i have found new ways of being here in slovakia, and in those new ways of being, my language and communication have also changed. this is something that will change once again when i return.

though i am returning, i am not returning the same (as much as some things will probably be exactly the same), and i am not returning to the same place. when i return, i will be in colorado for a bit, but then i will head to chicago. i am starting to make a new home for myself and that home is no longer where or what it once was. though this can feel like abandonment, it is a necessary next step in my life, and i'm actually really excited for it :)

some of you will not change at all.
some will be abandoned by your dearest loves
and misunderstood by those who have known you since birth
who feel abandoned by you.

some of you will be so changed

some of you will be so changed by weathers and wanderings
that even your closest friends will have to learn your features
as though for the first time.

some of you will be so changed by weathers and wanderings

more true than i could ever put into words. just ask my mom or stef about when they came to visit. really though, ask them...give yourself at least a bit of a heads up on what to expect from me. there are ways that i have changed that i am only beginning to understand or haven't even realized yet.

there are ways i have changed, for better and for worse. i won't go into all of them here, but my understanding of love and hospitality has become a lot more generous. after living with a host mom whose question is "when is lisa coming to visit?" without concern that it is another mouth to feed. her issue with a house full of 11 people is not how to feed everyone, but how to make sure that everyone has a place to lay their head at night.

i also know that i think and understand things differently. there are questions that i no longer know how to answer. i can tell you who i came to know and love here, but i have no idea how to tell you "how it was." i don't think i'll be able to be concise and to the point in answering questions for a very long time (if ever).

that even your closest friends will have to learn your features as though for the first time.

well, physical features include hair, which is considerably longer than last time you saw me (seeing as it's close to the length it was when i shaved my head). so, yes, physically my features will be new and different, but even those with whom i have kept in touch quite well have had limited contact with me. nobody knows everything and without being able to talk in person and spend time around each other. without those things, how can we really know and recognize each other?

these days facebook has become a great means for communication and keeping in touch (especially as i've now graduated from college and everybody's going off in different directions); however, it has also begun to replace face to face contact. i am immensely grateful for facebook, because it has allowed me to keep in touch with people, but as i go back to the states, i know i'll need to see faces, to give hugs, to sip warm beverages with those i love, and no longer communicate only through facebook and email. facebook, email, and even skype can only ever be temporary means of communication in relationships, but i will be glad when i can see those i love in the states and we can both learn each others features as though for the first time.

some of you will be so changed by weathers and wanderings
that even your closest friends will have to learn your features
as though for the first time.

i am sending you into the wilderness

i am sending you into the wilderness to make a new way
and to learn my ways more deeply.

i am sending you into the wilderness to make a new way

in many ways at the start of my year, slovakia was very much a wilderness. i, along with lisa and sepp, the other two slovak yagms, was thrust into a country where i didn't know the language and didn't know the people. the funny thing about the wilderness is that lots of people think of the desert, but wilderness doesn't have to mean desert. for me, it was more an intimidating and unknown place. the more time i spent here in this wilderness, however, the more i came to see it not as a scary wilderness, but as a loving part of god's creation. don't get me wrong, i knew it was part of god's creation (at least theoretically) before i came, but it was still unkown.

now, slovakia, especially eastern slovakia, and especially especially the area covered by the evangelical church of the augsburg confession (ecav) rankovce, is no longer a scary wilderness. together with the people i have met, a new way has been made. we came together, from very different cultures, with very different ideas, and we managed to find a new way together. when we came together, there was no way for us to continue on our paths as before. once we interacted, we had to search for new ways of being. we opened each other's eyes and horizons. we helped envision new posibilities for life and for love.

it was never about teaching math or reading. it wasn't even about teaching religion class or sunday school. it was about coming to know each other. changing and being changed. witnessing the holy spirit at work in our lives throughout the world. allowing the holy spirit to work through us. which brings me to the second half.

and to learn my ways more deeply.

i learned what god's ways more deeply and more widely. i learned new ways of being with and interacting with god. i learned knew ways to let god love others through me.

i learned the value and importance of prayer. i was humbled when i was asked how someone could pray for me. i felt the power and support of the spirit when i told them how i hate good-byes; how i don't know how i'm going to leave this place. it was a simple question, but in that question and its answer, i learned god's ways of getting into us and knowing us way more deeply.

i learned how to not be busy. i grew up in a go-go-go world. college (though i loved most of my time at luther) only added to that mentality. if i was busy enough and did enough, then i would make it. i wouldn't have to rely on anyone else. i could still love god without relying quite so fully on god. here i learned to be. i learned that coffee and keksy is important. i learned that there is exactly enough time for the important things in life (storypeople).

i learned that saying i'm stressed and busy might just be code for saying how important i want to be/think i am. sitting on the swing holding a ten year old's hand is busy enough for me. trying to explain a math problem to a 12 year-old fourth grader is stress enough (though no stress at all). on the train this past weekend, lisa and i talked about this precise theme. i came away from that conversation with a desire and determination to not rely on myself being busy and my need to feel important, but instead, i have to know that i am important because god created me, but that so is every other human being and creature on earth.

i learned that god is all around. the holy spirit works in ways i will never be able to understand. whether i help with homework, put away clean dishes, give a hug or an "ahoj" to a neighbor or a child. those seem to be simple things, but they plant the seeds. all we are called to do is plant the seeds, then wait and wonder at the miracle that god works in each seed as it comes to fruition. most deeply i have felt god at work in conversations (in english and in slovak) that have taken place by chance (in a train station in poprad) and on purpose (sitting at the kitchen table asking questions). god's ways are deep and wide, just like god's love. all i can do is hope to get a bit of it, and that will be enough...for now.

i am sending you into the wilderness to make a new way
and to learn my ways more deeply.