make maps as you go

make maps as you go,
remembering the way back from before you were born.
so you will be only the first of many waves
of deliverance on the desert seas.
it is the first of many beginnings -
your paschaltide.

make maps as you go,

so...i was supposed to write up all sorts of info about my site for the next volunteer while i was still in rankovce. i did...kind of. i wrote up the important things (my contact info and all the stuff that i didn't know at all), but there are some maps that just shouldn't be made. at least not for other people. each new volunteer must navigate the new relationships and new cultural practices for herself.

i did make maps, though. as anyone who has been with me for at least a day this past year can attest to, i have faithfully kept a journal (actually, it ended up being two journals) throughout the year. each day, i've written what happened and, more importantly, how i felt, what i thought about, what i did. this is my map. if the next volunteer has questions about some cultural thing or anything like that, then i have an additional resource to help her. i have a map for myself, so i don't forget what it was like living in rankovce, slovensko for a year. i have a map, so i remember the people who changed me for the better. i have a map, so i remember what this year continues to mean to me.

remembering the way back from before you were born.

the other thing the journals will do for me, is to help me remember the change in me. more than anything else, my relationship with my god has changed this year. i am beginning to remember that way back from before i was born, that way back to god. i have figured out what i need to be in relationship with god. i have learned what i believe about this merciful and grace-filled god in whom i believe. i have learned of the complications in life and that when we recognize that not everything is black and white, the next step is recognizing that it's not just shades of gray either, but instead that life is a rainbow of shades, highlights, colors, and tones.

life is meant to be lived and lived to the fullest. the only way to live life to the fullest is if we are all living life to the fullest. it is that connection between each of us, as beloved children of a god, who takes delight in us, that keeps me from living life fully when another is in pain. that connection and that hope for a full life for us all is the way back from before i was born.

so you will be only the first of many waves

well, i was the first. the first yagm in rankovce, at least. it had its ups and downs, but was filled with far more ups than downs. my life has been one filled with firsts (as, i suppose, all of ours are), at least for me. the thing about waves is that they never really disappear, they build up, they crash, and they are incorporated in new ways into the ocean or sea from which they came.

so to is it with yagm year. we come from our communities, build up our relationships in a new community, crash down as we leave, and are incorporated in new ways both in our "home" communities and in these communities that have become our home. we are changed forever. they are changed forever. and maybe, just maybe, we together have more fully experienced god's love and sa staneme (we end up/become) better for the journey, for the build up, the crash, and the new incorporation.

of deliverance on the desert seas.

the first of many, but how many waves of deliverance did i experience this year? it was in the smaller, more "mundane" things that i was delivered from getting too down, too frustrated, to upset. it was in birthday corn at kfc, ball pit ball fights on the new year's eve retreat, priklady and light bulb moments that assured me that something had been learned, passover, shared with others, singing in so many different languages, not always knowing what i was singing, but always knowing why, building bridges, making connections and loving.

it is in each of these, and in so many other ways, that i was delivered. i found my deliverance in this community and in the support i received from others "back home." my deliverance continues each day and as i go on to a new community, my deliverance and my salvation will continue to roll over me, building up, crashing down, and incorporating anew inside me.

it is the first of many beginnings -

we all know the saying, each ending is just a new beginning. as much as i try to avoid those all-too-common sayings, it's true. a year ago, i had a new beginning. school had ended, i graduated, and i was going somewhere new. one of my first beginnings in what was for me a new world. now, as i head back to the states, and begin to prepare for another new beginning, i look forward once again with hope for what chicago and seminary will bring.

it is not quite the same hope with which i looked a year ago. a year ago, most people i knew were all getting ready to move apart, we were all graduating. now, i am the one who has left. i am going to a new beginning. as i look forward in hope for what god has in store for me, i also look back on what god has given me this year. as i prepare for a new step on this journey, the steps i have taken on my own and with others this year are still so close to me.

there are footprints on my heart that are so fresh, i still feel the full weight of the person on my heart. yes, the weight will lighten some, especially as we find ways to continue to be together, to be in relationship with each other, but that weight will always be there. my life and my future has been shaped by this year and my being is beginning anew from this year. i am no longer just my parents' daughter, i am also my own person, a young woman, beginning in this world.

your paschaltide.

paschaltide is the word for the easter season (or the passover time in the jewish tradition). my paschaltide is my journey with christ. it is singing hosannas for a humble entry into jerusalem, into my world. it is having my feet washed by a god who loves me more than i can imagine. it is abandonment and fear of what is happening and what is to come. it is deep sorrow and despair at the loss of light. it is eyes opening onto a new morning where all is filled with uncontainable and unexplainable joy. that is my paschaltide. that is my life. that is my story. in different times and places throughout our lives, this becomes each of our stories. it is a part of who we are. as we live our paschaltide, we live into the call of christ in our lives.

make maps as you go,
remembering the way back from before you were born.
so you will be only the first of many waves
of deliverance on the desert seas.
it is the first of many beginnings -
your paschaltide.