remain true to the mystery

remain true to the mystery.
pass on the whole story.
do not go back.
i am with you now and i am waiting for you.

remain true to the mystery.

god works in ways i've never understood and probably never will. i don't always know when god is at work, and i don't always appreciate the work god does, but i have found a new reverence for that mystery. god worked on days that i didn't want to speak english, but was supposed to and then had immensely meaningful conversations because of it.

as i get ready to start seminary, my goal is, indeed, to remain true to the mystery. to stay true to this year i have lived in slovakia. to remain true to the changes that have happened inside me. to remain true to the new way i have found to be in this world. as i received communion this morning, i was in awe of the mystery that is holy communion. it is not something that i can describe or articulate in words, but something that i feel to the depths of my being. there are many things in this world (and not in this world) that i doubt, but the power and holiness of sharing holy communion is not one of them. a broken people around a broken body all over the world, finding welcome, grace, mercy, and forgiveness. that is my mystery, and to it i will remain true.

pass on the whole story.

in my effort to remain true to the mystery of this year, i tried to pass on the whole story (in 12-15 minutes, which were a bit longer than 12-15 minutes) at church today. i was the preacher. i won't go into what i said, but as i spoke, i found closure to the year i have lived. i will not forget the people i was with or the stories i have or the love that i found, and i definitely want to go back as soon as i can save up enough money for a plane ticket.

i did find closure, however, to the good and the bad that i lived through. i was able to share part of the whole story in a way that gave new life. god worked in big ways through the sermon, in me and in others. my story is not done, and there are many more parts to the whole story of my year, but i have now begun, and i am now ready to continue. last week, during communion, i came home. this week, i found closure. next week, i will be beginning the adventure anew at seminary in chicago.

do not go back.

though i have come back to vail, i did not go back. i did not give up. i did not quit. more importantly, i did not let my coming back, be going back. i came back, but i came back differently. i am a new person. i have not changed, but in so many ways i have changed profoundly. god has worked in me. my call has been strengthened to a ministry at the margins. i cannot go back to life as it was. even if i tried, i would be unable to get the people, places, happenings, and stories out of my head. and i don't want to. i am not going back to the united states, but i continue to move forward. i come to a new country, which has survived terrorist threats, environmental disasters (though that's still ongoing) and many other things. i come back someone who has learned a new language, found a new way of being in this world, loved, lost, cried, rejoiced, and found god.

i am with you now and i am waiting for you.

god was with me in slovakia. the holy spirit worked profoundly in me and through all of us there in slovakia. god was there before i came and remained as i left. god was at work here in vail this whole time and was here to bring me home and help me find closure. there is no doubt in my mind that god is in chicago, waiting for me. waiting for the next step on this journey of life. waiting to embrace me in the energy and spirit of the place. god is waiting with those in chicago who wait for me and god is with me as i begin this new journey. as i begin to try to figure out what it means to be a grown-up who still colors, sings poorly, and loves a god she doesn't understand.

remain true to the mystery.
pass on the whole story.
do not go back.
i am with you now and i am waiting for you.