sing songs as you go

sing songs as you go,
and hold close together.
you may at times grow confused
and lose your way.

sing songs as you go

music. there was a time in my life when i thought that people put too much emphasis on music, especially at church (it didn't help that i was never all that talented at singing). i wanted to try a church service without singing, to see what it would be like to worship god without music. this year has changed that. at the beginning of the year, i couldn't relate very well to the communal experience of a worship service because i didn't know the language well enough to sing along, and in slovakia there is a TON of music. pretty much everything is sung (at least, that's what it feels like).

by october, i missed my "home music" - mainly the hymns we always used to sing at luther during chapel or worship - so much that i asked a friend if she could email me some hymns if she had any. in early november, a package arrived with a cd of what i labeled on my computer as "home music."

though the label has stuck, i have found myself in the opposite position as i prepared to leave home to return to the usa. during the last official mládež, som dostala (i received) a cd of christian songs in slovak that we have sung in mládež and dorast throughout the year. though several of these songs are the slovak version of english songs i know, and though i sing along in english much of the time, it is precisely these songs in slovak that provide me with comfort. they remind me who i am (kto som ja) and they are what ensure that i remember the journey that i've been on this year.

it has been in slovakia (and in slovak) that i have learned not only to talk about god, but i have learned how i need to organize my life so that i can continue to grow in my relationship with god. i really, really like theological inquiry, but that is not what i need in order to relate to god. i need prayer (and prayer shawls), bibles in many languages, and i need songs - songs in community.

whether i sing "ty mi davaš toto zeleny" (what i thought were the lyrics for the first 8 or so months) or "ty mi dávaš nohy jelenic" (the actual lyrics), when i sing it with others, i know the meaning of it. singing "do tmy na svet" (here i am to worship) surrounded by roma and non-roma dorast and our camp leaders in a community room transformed into a place of worship has far more meaning than that song ever had when i sang it in the usa. now, when i listen to that song, i cannot help but remember that time, the people around me singing. being able to close my eyes and connect, with those around me, to my god.

as i leave, this rings, perhaps, truer than ever:
sing songs as you go.

and hold close together

in the beginning, we were yagms. we were called together on august 19th and sent out on august 26th. then we were just us slovak yagms. me. lisa. sepp. in bratislava during orientation, we managed to hold close together. we were the only ones from the states in our program, because the rest were germans. we held close. as we then went to our placements, we were just us. individuals. individuals called by god to be in this world. we separated a bit. we didn't hold quite as closely together. slowly we came back around, however, and found each other again. lisa and i especially found ways to hold close to each other, whether through skype, phone calls or visits. not only did she become a big part of my life and my year, but her host family also became an integral experience for me.

now as i go back to the usa, i feel desperate, even, to hold close together to others as well. the number of meaningful conversations (in slovak, english, and many times both) that i have had here and the moments i have shared have comforted me and given me joy. the looks i've shared with more meaning than words could hold, the face making, the hugs (oh, the hugs), the "ako sa máš?" that wants a real answer, the blessings after burps :) there are things i have shared with people that i have no adequate words for. as i have gone from slovakia, i began to (somewhat desperately) hold close together. i didn't want to let go.

this is presné where someone else's wisdom came in. in our material to help us get ready to leave, one of the key pieces of advice was "saying 'good-bye' is never easy, but once you are back home, you will be glad you did." that stuck with me and so, as much as i despise rozlúčky, i did my best to say good-byes to everyone. i tried to find closure, clear the air, get in one last hug, make sure they knew (at least a fraction of) how much they meant to me. though i may never be able to fully understand, let alone fully explain how much each individual in my life this past year has meant to me. i wish i could find a way to convey it, but, sadly, i don't know if i ever will. all i can do is pray that they know their worth, if not their worth to me, than their worth to god.

so, as i go, i do my best to hold close together with everyone.

you may at times grow confused and lose your way.

this has happened more times than i can count for sure. whether it was miscommunication, lack of communication, or just not having the vocabulary. there were many times we would be in the middle of something and i would get the light bulb moment of, "aha! that's what we're doing/what they mean/where we're going." even through to the end i had those moments and i continue to have those moments as i look toward being in a new culture. as i pass through the culture here in germany, i can't help but be confused by cultural norms here that quite fully clash with my slovak culture and my usa culture. that is part of life. confusion comes with the desire to know and learn.

i have lost my way, but have been found by others. i have lost my heart, but been shown where it is. i have lost my meaning, and god has given me even greater and deeper meaning in my life. whether through people, things, or random moments, each time that i have lost my way, god has provided what i needed to find it again, to get back on the path with god. there have even been times when god has picked me up and carried me back. losing my way has taught me life lessons about honesty, laughters and smiles, joy and sorrow, but each time i come back to myself and, more importantly, i come back to god.

sing songs as you go,
and hold close together.
you may at times grow confused
and lose your way.